I walked into the fancy salon feeling like a hot mess.
Hi! How are you today?
I’m good, thanks!
Such an answer. The answer everyone gives. The answer everyone accepts. Was I good- no- was I going to elaborate- no.
But such is life! And in that moment, it made me pause and smile because I had answered good, when in fact, I had pneumonia, I was missing my Mom like she had just died yesterday, not over a year ago, and I felt like a fat lump.
Now don’t get me wrong, we really are in a world of over-sharers, me being one of them at times, and there really was no reason to share any of these details with these sweet people who were going to make my hair look like I didn’t have a care in the world. But it got me thinking about their smiles and ‘I’m Goods’.
Are we all just one ‘Good’ away from a nervous breakdown? No body wants to hear a Debbie Downer. I have worried about that ever since my Mom died. I didn’t want to be ‘that’ person who bums everyone out, but frankly I have been bummed out! So where can I take it? Where can I share it? Should I share it here? It will bum you out!
I’m not Debbie Downer 24hrs a day but with every rise and fall, there is a part of me that knows I would share those ups and downs with my Mom. She is where all of the ‘Goods’ got to go.
She was where the good and bad fell. The first call- the late call- the call. Those lost calls have been building up in a way that is overwhelming. Blessed, I know I was! I had her and had that soft place to land and an ear whenever I needed it. But… yes, isn’t there always a but? But I want her back! And it sounds so selfish but not just for what she gave me, but to feel the love of a mother. It’s a tangible thing. I know this now that I am a Mom.
I know how it can be the only thing to make you feel better and how it’s the biggest responsibility you can ever have. Because there are those that don’t take the Mom Job to heart. They don’t realize that every look, every response, every hug, every moment spent, can shape your child in a way that only a Mom can.
Was my Mom perfect, no. Am I? God no. But man I hope that I can be that place for my boys to fall. That place for the ‘I’m Good’ to take a break and let the truth pour out.
So forgive me if my truth pours out in random moments- sometimes the distance between the ‘Good’ and the truth is wider than I wish it were.
xoxo
B
Hardly selfish and poignantly real…I think about this intangible ‘thing’ whenever my sweet boy hugs me and have the faintest sense of what you must feel 24:7. xxoo
Awwww, Bee. You can always talk to me, anytime. I promise 🙂 You won’t bum me out. I got ya.
I’m glad I read your words today, thank you. I am a mother of 3 grown boys and lost my mom a little over a year ago. I’ve been feeling less than “good” lately in the overwhelming sadness of having lost both of my parents and 2 of my 3 sons to marriages in which, my husband and I are less than important now in their lives. You know the old cliche’ that people often ask when your adult child gets married, “Well, did you lose a son or gain a daughter?” In 2 of our son’s cases, we lost sons. Hard to put our finger on what caused this “loss”. We always thought of ourselves as a loving and open family. Anyway, sorry for the rant! Your words today, have prompted me to put my feelings down on paper. Whether I share those words with our two “lost” sons or not, is yet to be known, but putting it down on paper may help me find some peace in my heart and to figure out what went wrong. My mom would’ve had good advice for me! Thanks for listening and for sharing! – Carol
Thank you for commenting Carol- I am so sorry for your loss and will pray for peace and reconciliation for you and your boys. Grief is such a long hard road and hard to explain to those who haven’t experienced it- hang in there!
First off, your new blog looks great!! Love it. Secondly, this is a raw and beautiful story. I am so happy we met! Prayers for you my friend. ~Sonya
Bee ~ This is the first time I’ve visited your blog and I’m glad this is the first post I got to read. I like that I can see your beautiful heart! And just like you, I hope my girls know I’m the “I’m good” place to fall too.
Thanks so much Michele! xoxo