Dreams After Grief

Dreams vary and change through life.

Paths collide and change in a heartbeat.  I had a week in my life 3 years ago that changed everything I thought would be, everything I imagined, everything I thought I was, and all I hoped to be.  I can’t say for certain that the changes were bad or good.  Grief makes it hard to tell.

The pain of loss has lessened for me and morphed into faint smiles instead of tears.  The dreams of reaching and reaching and trying to pull them back, trying to save what I couldn’t save, have stopped.  Time does heal some wounds.  It’s the empty that is hard to fill.  The space that was filled by that person, those words, that love that is reserved for that special person… our hearts are filled with those spaces and when it’s gone… it’s gone.

So you hold onto that person because the thought of physically losing a piece of your heart is unacceptable to your mind and body.  Until you aren’t strong enough to hold onto them… or you are strong enough to let go of them.  Grief is a nasty game of feeling the weakest you have ever felt and morphing it into the strongest person you will have to become.  Some days it is one in the same.  You fall to your knees in complete despair but are forced to stand moments later to raise your babies, to go to work, to fight to be the person you dreamed you were before…

But those dreams have changed.  Because without that piece of your heart, your thoughts have changed, your love has changed, the realities of life have forced thoughts and priorities that were once unimportant.

I’m quieter than I once was, my opinions have lessoned.  Not because I don’t have them or don’t care, I just don’t find it as important to try and convince.  The reality that people have their own story and their own truths has quieted me.  The fog of grief that I was initially in has lifted to see so many sides and angles to people, some good some bad, but all shaping and molding who they are both by choice and by chance.

I am flawed every single day.  But I am still trying to change my dreams to fit the new normal that grief has given me.  The extra weight I cary, the sad thoughts that creep into my mind, the bitterness and anger that decide to come out when I least expect it.   They will all be there but my hope is that I will release them easier as time plays it’s part and new dreams continue to form.

I can’t stop your hurt, but I can offer you this-  I am thinking of you and praying for your heart.  And for those who don’t know how to comfort others in these times of aching, sometimes acknowledgement of the pain is the greatest gift you can give.

Look for a smile today friends because you never know who needs it, and while you’re at it, give a few out!

xoxo

B