Because I ultimately get paid in pennies to write my blog, every once in awhile I use my platform to write about my humble truths. Sometimes it’s about HomeGoods, sometimes it’s about Grief, and sometimes it’s about Fashion. Today it’s going to be about children and sports and the struggles I have in finding a healthy balance while living in the land of participation trophies and hard core competitions.
The first thing I want to say is very politically correct but I honestly mean it. If your child loves sports and wants to play it constantly and travel and you can afford to do so and you all love doing it… that is exactly what you should do! There is a commonality I have seen where parents who have chosen Not to do something, find it ridiculous and assume it is unenjoyable and forced on everyone involved. I sheepishly raise my hand here. I have had those thoughts, but as life has shown me, I can be wrong… I know, it’s a painful statement. There is a high probability that those families actually really love it! So when you flippantly say “To each his own” just mean it and then go about doing what you love to do with your family. It might just be that simple.
Here’s where I land. My 9yr old has loved sports since the day he was born. Seriously. And it’s not just a love of playing them, it’s a love of understanding them. Learning all of the rules and watching to see where he can improve and how he can help the team. It’s a passion that at the age of 4 was even apparent and the joy he gets from playing on any sports field fills my heart on every sideline. It has built his confidence, it has made him grin from ear to ear, and cry from frustration, he has won a lot, but he has lost and had to do it all over again as well. He is his biggest competitor and as parents that’s where we participate.
As parents, my husband and I have made a continued effort to speak to him about what we find important about youth sports. Let’s all say that again… Youth Sports. They aren’t being paid and they aren’t getting a scholarship at 9… they could also end up hating the thing that they loved the most in 24hrs. Perspective is key.
Now do I think that my son is ever going to hate a sport? No. He’s not. It is his heart and soul. But at a young age, what are they supposed to be gaining from sports.
Character. How do you behave on the sports field? Do you encourage your teammates? Do you lift up others when they feel discouraged? Do you shake your opponents hands and mean it? Do you listen and respect your coaches and referees? These are life lessons and will carry over in to all aspects of who they grow up to be.
Integrity. Knowing that you are working with others and giving your all, no matter the outcome. Playing fair and smart should leave you with the greatest satisfaction.
Knowledge. As soon as you establish that sports at a young age are a privilege, the bigger benefits you can get from them. My son has a great work ethic in school, but it doesn’t come naturally to him like sports does so we combined the two. There is math in every sport, there is also memorization. Any time he feels down about a school assignment, I remind him that I know he can do it because learning every soccer position requires the same attributes! And books… want to get a non reader to read? Sports stories! All of those smarts that I see in him on the field can be pulled out in school to. And remember the word privilege? Guess what? We will take away his right to go to a game or practice in a heart beat if his attitude at home is not what it needs to be or his grades are not good… and for him… that is his worst nightmare. May not work for everyone, but it’s an aspect we see useful in establishing boundaries and priorities at this age.
Commitment. Now while we have the right to take a sporting event away. We also really make sure that our boys know that if they have asked and are signed up to a sport and a team, and we have spent money on it, we do expect them to commit. Am I going to drag them to it kicking and screaming? No. But that goes back to speaking to them and really explaining what signing up for it means. If there comes a time when they are bored of it or just not wanting to go to a practice, it is a great lesson to learn that yes, there will be things we don’t want to do in life but we signed up and people are counting on us so we are going to fulfill that commitment. I am not saying that all of these lessons will be understood and completely play out at this age, but I promise you, at some point there will be a moment when you can remind them of a certain situation to help them see the end result. It may just be that they need the reminder next season to really help them decide if it’s something they want to do.
The Big L Word. Lose. They are going to lose and you know what? This is a big parenting opportunity! They are little, it’s going to be a big bummer for some of the more competitive kids, but that’s ok. Tell them it’s ok to feel bummed out, tell them that you are bummed out for them. It’s not going to help to tell them it’s not a big deal because to them it is, but what you can do after commiserating with them, is to find all the positives in what did happen and ask them what they might want to work on to get that win next time. It puts the ball in there court (excuse the sports pun) to start thinking of it as a jumping off point rather than a dead end. Complimenting the effort put forth is also a parenting win because if they tried hard, then that goes back to them building character. The majority of kids don’t want to be coached by their parents and you telling them what they did wrong isn’t going to help them because they aren’t idiots, they already know and hopefully they have a good coach to help guide them in the right direction for next time.
Winner Winner Chicken Dinner. The wins are exciting! Seeing your child experience the excitement of a big win can feel like you were running right next to them during the game. Good sportsmanship will never fail them though if always encouraged. Did your kid line up and give high fives and say good game to the other team? Did he say thank you to the coach for giving his time and helping them with this achievement? Did he see value in the hard work of it all? That it was a team effort from the friend who sat more on the bench cheering, to the one who passed it to him to make that goal?
Now if you think that I point out all of these life lessons at every single game, then I’ve got a beach house in Nebraska to sell you. But the point is that there are very valid and important lessons that can be incorporated into Youth Sports that I feel are often overlooked. The win and the loss are the focus. Do I love it for my kid when he wins? Heck yes! But do I want him to grow up thinking that’s the only time to find positives and celebrate? Heck no!
We live in the land of competitive youth sports here in Texas and I find myself getting caught up just like everyone else, but I am determined to find the life lesson rather than the biggest trophy. My kid will always be competitive, but it’s still in my home, so that grants me the time to help him shape and mold it into a skill rather than a trait.
xoxo
B
Amazing! Mark and Oliver had to sign a sportsmanship agreement for Oliver’s t-ball and he couldn’t believe it was a ‘thing’… I’m afraid we’re going to be totally shocked by where people put their priorities in youth sports moving forward. I’m with you… Learning to lose is a life lesson. And learning to win with grace is just as important!
Yes- unfortunately those are really just to keep the parents in line and so that they can kick them out easily by saying they signed a contract! I hope it won’t be a negative experience for y’all! It has meant a lot to us to really find good coaches- they set the tone for sure.