When my Mom passed away, I sat and stared at a wall for hours. My house was clean, the boy’s were at school and I had barely grasped the fact that my cousin’s sweet baby had passed the day before. It was shock. It was pain.
It was a hurt I had never imagined.
It hasn’t been that long… what is long? Long enough to not hurt every single day, but still ache for them. Ache for my whole family. But now the hurt is back.
My Uncle passed yesterday- my Mom’s brother, my Aunt’s husband, my cousin’s father, and three sweet baby girl’s grandpa. He is now with his grand baby and my Mom in Heaven.
I believe. I always have and always will. It’s not all so black and white for me as it is for some, but I believe in God. You don’t have to believe in God- but i’ve got to tell you- when you go through serious loss and gut wrenching pain, you need to believe in something bigger than yourself. or your heart will cave under that pain.
Carrie Underwood released a song recently – “Something in the Water” and it has been on repeat while I have been painting for the last few days and now I know why it was resonating with me so strongly. She took heat for it- as I might for this post- because it was blatantly religious- but I feel listeners didn’t hear her underlying message. A message of Faith. Period.
“Just a little faith, it’ll all get better”
It’s not ok right now. It won’t be for awhile- but if I didn’t have faith that it would be, that the pain would subside, that there would be smiles and laughs again, then I would crumble… that is Faith. Faith in something or someone bigger than you that guides us through these times.
“I was all out of hope and all out of fight”
And that Faith will shine upon you from expected and unexpected places, so please watch for it! Faith that the hope will return is what you can’t let go of. It will fall on you from a stranger’s smile, from the sun shining down when you don’t want it too, from the child who screams with joy at the park.
“and now I’m Changed, and now I’m Stronger”
It will change, you will feel stronger. It won’t be overnight, it might not be for a year. But have Faith that it will. You will change as a person but you can choose the way it changes you. Will it harden you, or allow you to show heart and love and passion like never before?
“Couldn’t fight back the tears, so I fell on my knees”
I will fall to my knees. But I will then stand back up. Again and again. It is life… it is what makes us human… the love, the loss, the pain, the moments all add up to who we are. The wrinkles we have are earned and tell a story of a life lived.
“got joy in my heart, angels on my side”
The only joy I can find at this time is that our family does have an Army of Angels. I will tell their stories, I will share what they shared with me, I will be sad and cry for the loss, but I will be happy and celebrate because I can still feel their LOVE.
“Felt love poring down from above”
The loss will throw punches again and again. But I will keep fighting because I know that my sadness can’t be the solution. I know in my heart that there is peace in the distance… there are wings to carry us all.
“Live everyday giving all that I have”
Giving, and giving more. I will give my Love if I have nothing else- I will stand when other’s need to kneel- I will fight to keep my Faith that my Angels are forever with me!
“Trusting someone Bigger than Me”
A bigger plan, a bigger picture, a bigger hope, a bigger heart- find where your trust can lie. Grace… please always Grace. I seek it and fight for it. I can not become lost.
They are not lost… they have been found.
“Amazing Grace”
I am pouring my Faith and Trust over all those aching with me tonight, near and far. I will be turning off comments on this post, as it is just to bring some hope, not to bring debate. I appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers for my family and you can always email me if need be.
xoxo
B