A Year and a Day

A Year and a Day.

Last year, the day after the first anniversary of my Mom’s death, I woke up and the first thing I thought was… A year and a day.

It wasn’t meant to be morose. It just summed up exactly how it felt.
Things weren’t different. She was still gone. It still hurt desperately. But I was still going to get out of bed and my boys were still going to be excited because Christmas was so close and life was going to keep going on.

This year is no different I’m afraid. Two years. Not one day has gone by that I haven’t thought of her, haven’t wanted to call and tell her something, haven’t watched my boys doing something and silently prayed that she was watching.

I was with her two weeks before she passed and my heart was heavy seeing her weakening state- but to say I was prepared for her to leave this earth… to leave us… would not be true.
I would never be ready.

But there came a call- and an answer. My cousin’s dear baby girl had gone to be with the Lord, an Angel that Heaven called on so soon, and my Mom knew… she knew that her greatest strength and her greatest love would be needed somewhere else. She would need to go and be with sweet Angel Scarlett and give her all the Love that she had shown us here on Earth.

When I flew out to be with my Dad the day after, I was numb. I sat in my middle seat on the plane feeling invisible. It was a song that came on my headphones that sent my head in my hands and I sat there silently crying for an amount of time I am not sure of.

It was a hand on my shoulder that suddenly made me realize that I wasn’t invisible and for just a moment I thought it had to be my Mom. It was a Mom, but not mine, and she had been sitting behind me and was now standing behind me with her hands on my shoulders. Others were looking. I said- I’m so sorry- I couldn’t stop myself- and she said- sweetie we are all going to cry with you if we can’t help you smile in some way. The flight attendant brought me a water and I smiled- just that moment- just to hear those words- just to feel that hand on my shoulder. I wasn’t invisible.

My pain, although silent, had these strangers standing, ready to help. They didn’t know baby Scarlett was gone, they didn’t know my Mom was gone… but grace had helped them stand up and show me that my heart could be picked up. It could carry on because there were still beautiful moments to be had and to be seen. I was surrounded by an embrace of humanity.

I don’t spend my days crying. I don’t sit here depressed. As a mother, it’s not, nor was it ever afforded to me. I flew back home to my excited babies on that Christmas Eve and made sure they didn’t have to feel the pain and the sorrow that sat deep in my heart.

I will continue to try and spread beautiful moments and embrace others. I will continue to pick up my broken heart and carry on the love and simple gestures that were gifted to me and my family.

I will put a hand on someone’s shoulder.

xoxo

B