I Am My Mother.

I crave to hear my Mom’s voice, to hold her hand, to ask her advice.  It isn’t that I’m afraid of moving on or letting go, it’s just that I can’t.  Because I am her.

I am my mother.

I am holding my little boy’s hands as she held mine.  I am wiping tears.  I am supporting my husband.  I am constantly looking and searching for ways to be a better wife and mother.  I am cheering at every baseball, football, soccer, and basketball game.  I am praying.  I am doubting.  I am questioning.  I am crying.  I am laughing.  I am learning.  I am selfish.  I am growing.  I am alone.  I am never alone.

At a point in my Mom’s illness, when we just couldn’t figure out what was wrong, I had a sleepless night wondering if she was just exhausted.  As a new mother, I suddenly feared that having four daughters and a husband with a worrisome job, had stretched her heart to the absolute limits.  Her mind to the depths of worry. Her body had carried and lifted more than it should have.  Could this be?  Could she have given us all she had?  Had we taken too much?

No.  Because now 8 whole years into this mothering thing, and in no ways an expert, I realize the different strength a mother has to possess.  It puts an extra layer around your heart, it makes your legs stronger, your eyes wider.

While I do know we stretched her mind, body, and soul to the limits, it wasn’t what caused her to be ill.  It was what brought her the greatest joy, pain, and strength that she had and what kept her fighting to stay with us as long as she did.

As a daughter, I sat and prayed and cried and inside I begged her to stay and be with us, hold my hand, answer my questions, love my babies, sing us Happy Birthday… but as a Mother, I told her I understood and that she could go.

Because that is what Mother’s do… they give.  They pray.  They say the hard things.  They cry.  They put the pieces back together.  They battle.  They lose.  They win.

And then they get up and do it all again the next day.  Never perfect.  But always trying.

She is still singing to us, she is still clapping and cheering right next to me at the boy’s games, she is still going through it all with me because our hearts are the same. But the Mom’s heart has to put the child’s before their own and while the daughter in me aches still… the Mom in me knows that she needed to be free of the body that mislead her and just in the soul that shined brighter than a star.

It will be Mother’s Day soon and I will take my babies and hug them tightly for I am thankful they gave me the strength to love harder.  Even on the days when I feel stretched to the max, I will try and remember that God has given me two more layers in my heart to help withstand the exhaustion and emotion.

But in reality, a Mom isn’t looking for a thank you or a present… she might just want a little nap and to know that you are ok.  That her baby is having a good day and happy and healthy and knows that they are loved.  For that, a mom can rest and the world seems a lot less scary.

xoxo

B